Imagine that you’re in one of those tense conversations when you’d really like to set the other person straight, but by God’ grace you’re restraining yourself. As you hear them list and describe their many complaints, your stomach begins to tighten and turn. On one hand, your inner turmoil could have little to do with them. Maybe you’ve had a tough time lately, and everything seems harder and heavier than usual. On the other hand, your accuser could’ve said or done something particularly vile, and you’re understandably ready to explode.
If you’re a Christian counselor, you’re probably familiar with how Carl Rogers would advise you at this point. “You must have unconditional positive regard for them.” In other words, think well of them, no matter how you feel initially. But whether you’re sitting with your spouse, teenager, co-worker or neighbour, how do you do that?
Can we really set aside our shock or even anger and muster genuine love for this gossipper or complainer or worse?
Yes.
The key is in remembering and rejoicing in the Lord Jesus’ gracious presence to us. Not His presence to them but to us.
The word “grace”, however, is so familiar and misused in Christian circles, I’m not sure we can assume that we know what it means. Maybe the following story will help.
Imagine a father changing a crying toddler with a poopy diaper late at night. The boy is kicking, crying and even begins urinating on him. Still, the father calmly and lovingly continue to clean and change him. He carries the little boy to his bed and he cries even louder. It’s one of those blood-curdling cries – something between a panic and a rage.
So the father picks him up and tries rocking him to sleep, but the little boy screams louder. He tries giving him some milk, but he spits it in the father’s face. Finally after what seems like an eternity of walking the floor with the little boy kicking and crying, he notices that the toddler feels unusually warm. He has a fever.
Immediately, the father puts him in the car and drives 20 miles through the rain to a hospital. But when the nurse asks him to fill out some paperwork for parental permissions and insurance, the man is visibly shaken.
He can’t grant parental permission and has no insurance on him because the boy isn’t his. The father explains that his alcoholic sister had left her young son with him a few weeks ago.
“I’m running away with my new boyfriend”, she said. “I know that you and your teenaged girls will take good care of him. I realize you’ve been going through your own rough time since you lost your job and Susan left you, but I just can’t deal with him anymore. I know you’ll love him, even though he’s a hard baby and he’s not yours. That’s just who you are. And even though I don’t deserve your help, either, I know I can trust you.”
The nurse was moved by his dilemma, but she had to tell him again, “We can’t treat the boy without insurance.” To which the man replied, “I’ll pay for everything right now. No matter what it costs me.”
That’s grace.
Now remember back to that person listing their problems, complaining, blaming, maybe lying or worse.
When we remember and focus on the fact that God came to us by the grace of Jesus’ sacrifice on our behalf when we were helpless and did not deserve it, many of our own inner struggles may greatly diminish and even disappear. We may stop judging them, or worrying that we can’t help them, or feeling depressed that we are even worse than they are. We can stop focusing on ourselves out of fear or pride and start seeing them. We can start caring for them because we know that Jesus is caring for us by His grace.
Carl Rogers’ “unconditional positive regard” cannot hear their heart’s inherent need to deal with their sin. The counselor (or spouse or parent or co-worker) who does not rest in the grace of Christ for their own peace with God is destined for one of two approaches: selective cheerleading and ignoring the other’s real problems or focusing only on the problems and not the real answer of forgiveness and change by Jesus’ grace.
God’s gracious presence to us is based in Jesus’ historic death in our place and the gift of His real Spirit to change us, keep us to the end and empower us to love others with grace, because He first loved us.
Unless otherwise indicated, Jeff Dillard is the author of all posts in this blog, the goal of which is your greater joy in Christ through leadership and counseling. Jeff and his wife, Lauren, have been married since 1995. By God’s grace, they have four wonderful children and two grandchildren. Jeff was ordained by the Presbyterian Church in America and commissioned as an Army Chaplain in 1998. He has Master’s degrees in Divinity, History, and Counseling. Since 1998, he’s had the privilege of equipping and encouraging others’ faith and service to the Lord Jesus by leading congregations and counseling in multicultural settings across the United States. Seven of those years have been in Germany, Korea, and Iraq. For leisure, Jeff enjoys simple time with his family, exercise, playing guitar and trumpet, and trying foreign foods with friends.
Please note that the contents of tools4trenches do not necessarily reflect specific beliefs or practices of organizations in which Jeff works or worships.
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